i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
