the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
