i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
