He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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