Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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