...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
