My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
