I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
