Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
