maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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