Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
