you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
