She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize