I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
