my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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