4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
