he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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