Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
