just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
