I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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