I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
