im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
