My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
