My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
