i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
