Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
