stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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