I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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