I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
