he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
