Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
