It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
