gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
