only you would photoshop your dick
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
