Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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