Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
