dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
