i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
