i just wanna soil my oats bro
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
