Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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