I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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