two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
