Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
