Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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