Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
