You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
