Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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