apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
