Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
