god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
