I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
