I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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