I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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