Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
