why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
