Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
