Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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