i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
