Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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