This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
